This is the end of my time and my life.

Dear Loved ones & whomever stumbles across my page,

As I try to piece together all my current feelings into one as I let go of everything and leave it in Gods hands. I have never been one of faith but whatever comes next I am sure to have left behind not a legacy but confusion in the lives of those I have been apart of. Please excuse my scattered mind tonight.

Through the last periods of my life, particularly the last few days or week I have been thinking more and more about this, 
I have developed a greater and deeper appreciation to those that I had grown close too, or had been apart of my life. 
I have learned to love and understand people on a deeper level and have compassion and empathy for all. The love goes stronger even the distance grows wider. I love and feel sorry for every single person way too much I guess. 


I have deep feelings for the people I feel closest too or connected with. I feel at peace when we are close together. I am an empath and i just love people so fucking much that its always going to hurt. I have formed great enemies because I am such an erratic person who spent so long fighting the devil inside. I have acted immorally and wrongly, and through the words of an emasculate, naive young girl who is both pure, yet aggressive, i love my enemies and wish them the best that life could offer. I have learned that everyone deserves a better life and a fair chance. Born equal but divided by nation, social status, gender, religion, ethnicity and peoples judgments and hypocrisy. 

I was never grateful nor able to count the blessings I have had throughout life. I always yearned after something I couldn't have. I could never be filled with satisfaction, self love, success, etc even when I chased after this. My expressiveness through writing was often a joke and I know that many people still treat me as a joke but boy, I know, I am lucky. Very lucky to have had what I have had. I am born into a life with opportunity, friends & freedom. As much freedom as Australia has. The only war I have fought is the one inside myself. I am a very moody and erratic person. Too fucking sensitive to say at the least. A future could hold great things and those in less fortunate environments around the world could envy my position in life and not understand the lack of motivation and enthusiasm thats evaporated which has possessed my body and I wish I could regain the hope and energy I once had. Unfortunately, this has not been the case. I am very, very sad. I love people way too much & I can't bare to see their sadness.

Nothing lasts forever. Pain shouldn't either. Neither should loneliness. 

I feel freedom will be in another world. I have let many down and I am sorry.

But as I have said I am too much of a moody and erratic person with a sensitive soul and a tortured mind.
But something inside me has decided enough is enough. I have had these feelings that life will be over for me soon. I have made a complete fool out of myself and i don't feel I can beat this condition at all. Or conditions. I am weak & never a role model to those who are determined enough to succeed. My heart has been left broken into pieces because of my own actions. Regret is a fucking bitch. But lets end on all good terms my friends, the world.

I do not ask nor deserve self pity. Just a bit of respect in order to comfort those who may feel effected by this. Or forget I ever existed.
I am too much of an empath. Maybe i am not appreciative enough. But my erratic and manic note has come to an end. I can only live the remainder of time in a fantasy where everything is ok, and everybody i know is here. There is no reason to stick around. Your lives will be much more free without me. I am going to be around, though.

I am way too fucking moody, erratic & sad.

And i will be free. Nothing lasts forever. Not even death. We become apart of the universe again. And i will be that, 

Nothing but peace, love, compassion & yours truly.

I wish you well.

Peace out & love always. 

If I had done it.

•  I am suffering more pain that one can endure
  Please help me believe that there has to be a cure
  I have somehow climbed inside the deepest part of mind
  To the darkest place I could find
  Is anybody out there? Is there anybody out there at all?
  From upon my high horse, from grace I fall
  I am back in this hole I was stuck in before
  I know that there is nothing worse than bipolar’s who whine
  But I promise that in this poem this will be my third last line
  I just wanted the happiness promised, I gave away life, I miss being high
  But for now I leave you with my sincerest goodbye.

Holiday of Isolation - Cleaning up (5 weeks and oxy free)

:): A Holiday in Isolation

REBECCA ADAMS·FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2015

It should never be an option to run from one’s problems. It can be ones discretion but what does that achieve? Your own battles still torture your mind wherever you go. You never truly escape by running.

But with sources on every corner, people surrounding you everyday talking about their experiences, their usage and unaware of the strength that it takes to breathe in and dismiss the urge to question, or the no trigger warning that comes about. You can not hide forever from yourself, or your demons. You have to face them full on. Face to face. The battles will always be there and sometimes it feels as if all the kings horses and all the kings men could not put you back together again. But i not succumbed to any temptation. What for ? To feel like shit and have to start over again? Addiction is NOT fun! It’s a control and you’re a slave to a horrible way of living. Fuck that! I know that I am strong enough, and I know that my eye is on the prize at the end of the day. The happy ending. A decade is enough. I just wish people would stop talking about them with me. The whole ordeal is tiring. And I am sure tiring for everyone around me to hear about all the time. But tonight it is the agitation and the head fuck that I struggle with. The loud, erratic and racing thoughts. Memories. Past conversations and bad memories. Song lyrics that play like a radio. Weird quotes. I can not sleep. I can not even exercise long enough even though I have the energy. Just the I CAN’T STAY FOCUSED FOR MORE THEN ONE MOMENT!

I don’t need anything. I need peace. I need to not hear the “d” word, or to hear about what everyone is up to as i sit at home alone watching a Jennifer Connelly movie. I try to lose myself in the film. If only I could be someone else for a change. Someone good.

But the negativity toward myself is what causes people to see me as the “bad girl” to begin with. I’m not as bad as it may seem. I have said things that made a sailor look like a school girl, i have done and tasted every substance that ever existed or came my way. I have acted immoral and dealt with traumas only the most wildest imagination could possibly encounter upon and still wonder if it is possible. Not to say my problems are more important. No way! I live in Australia. Not Afghanistan and not Syria. No wars. The only war with me.

I suppose loneliest is the biggest trigger, and also the greatest challenge. A hug would be the perfect drug for me right now. But all i have is my bed, my netflic & my overactive, loud & flow of ideas, conspiracies, anxieties, worries, over and over and over. As much as i feel i won’t make it through the night. I know I will. It is Saturday tomorrow. I don’t have to deal with work. I don’t have to deal with the human race suffocating me as I catch the trains through peak hour, or hear about anything substance related. I don’t even have to turn on the news and see what pain is suffering across the world. Perhaps I should. Put my own life in perspective. But you know? support means everything. I have been an awful child, friend, girlfriend, person in general. Maybe i don’t deserve support like i seem to assume I do. But my heart is in a place of wanting to do well. I know social media has provided much ongoing love and support. But human contact is so scarce right now. Nothing makes the brain shut up. I suppose i am a bit manic. But tears are not far away.

A hug could save a life tonight <3

Back to my movie. My land of escape. Being someone else for a change. If anxiety could let me have some mental silence.