:): A Holiday in Isolation
It should never be an option to run from one’s problems. It can be ones discretion but what does that achieve? Your own battles still torture your mind wherever you go. You never truly escape by running.
But with sources on every corner, people surrounding you everyday talking about their experiences, their usage and unaware of the strength that it takes to breathe in and dismiss the urge to question, or the no trigger warning that comes about. You can not hide forever from yourself, or your demons. You have to face them full on. Face to face. The battles will always be there and sometimes it feels as if all the kings horses and all the kings men could not put you back together again. But i not succumbed to any temptation. What for ? To feel like shit and have to start over again? Addiction is NOT fun! It’s a control and you’re a slave to a horrible way of living. Fuck that! I know that I am strong enough, and I know that my eye is on the prize at the end of the day. The happy ending. A decade is enough. I just wish people would stop talking about them with me. The whole ordeal is tiring. And I am sure tiring for everyone around me to hear about all the time. But tonight it is the agitation and the head fuck that I struggle with. The loud, erratic and racing thoughts. Memories. Past conversations and bad memories. Song lyrics that play like a radio. Weird quotes. I can not sleep. I can not even exercise long enough even though I have the energy. Just the I CAN’T STAY FOCUSED FOR MORE THEN ONE MOMENT!
I don’t need anything. I need peace. I need to not hear the “d” word, or to hear about what everyone is up to as i sit at home alone watching a Jennifer Connelly movie. I try to lose myself in the film. If only I could be someone else for a change. Someone good.
But the negativity toward myself is what causes people to see me as the “bad girl” to begin with. I’m not as bad as it may seem. I have said things that made a sailor look like a school girl, i have done and tasted every substance that ever existed or came my way. I have acted immoral and dealt with traumas only the most wildest imagination could possibly encounter upon and still wonder if it is possible. Not to say my problems are more important. No way! I live in Australia. Not Afghanistan and not Syria. No wars. The only war with me.
I suppose loneliest is the biggest trigger, and also the greatest challenge. A hug would be the perfect drug for me right now. But all i have is my bed, my netflic & my overactive, loud & flow of ideas, conspiracies, anxieties, worries, over and over and over. As much as i feel i won’t make it through the night. I know I will. It is Saturday tomorrow. I don’t have to deal with work. I don’t have to deal with the human race suffocating me as I catch the trains through peak hour, or hear about anything substance related. I don’t even have to turn on the news and see what pain is suffering across the world. Perhaps I should. Put my own life in perspective. But you know? support means everything. I have been an awful child, friend, girlfriend, person in general. Maybe i don’t deserve support like i seem to assume I do. But my heart is in a place of wanting to do well. I know social media has provided much ongoing love and support. But human contact is so scarce right now. Nothing makes the brain shut up. I suppose i am a bit manic. But tears are not far away.
A hug could save a life tonight <3
Back to my movie. My land of escape. Being someone else for a change. If anxiety could let me have some mental silence.
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